


Knowing How It Ends

by JemTheKingOfSass



Category: Free!
Genre: Blue Prompt: Flashback, Day 1, Day One, Light Angst, M/M, Red Prompt: Memories, RinHaru Week 2018, Rinharu Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-19 13:18:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17002383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JemTheKingOfSass/pseuds/JemTheKingOfSass
Summary: Haru twists and flops down on his stomach, wide awake, mind circling around and around. He groans, long and low into his pillow. He wishes Rin could hear it, sense his distress and come running. Although, as the silence stretches on and he remains alone in the bedroom, Haru is reminded that Rin might not come back for anything.Haru is uncertain if Rin will come back at all.





	Knowing How It Ends

**Author's Note:**

> Written for RH Week Day 1  
> Blue Prompt: _**Flashback**_  
>  Red Prompt: _**Memories**_
> 
> Somehow this Day 1 fic ended up being the last thing I wrote for RH Week. I saw the Red prompt and was inspired, and yet this ended up fitting the Blue prompt better. Thank you Iki for the read-through, I appreciate it!
> 
> A huge thank you to the organizers of another RH Week. Your hard work is definitely appreciated! (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧.。*:･♡
> 
>  

 

 

* * *

 

_Snow falls outside one lone window as Haru snuggles closer, trying to make space on the extra-long twin mattress. Rin shifts closer to the wall automatically, tugging Haru in tighter, flush against him. Haru feels the arm against his waist like a rope of fire. He tucks his head down, nestling in to Rin’s chest, soothed by the heartbeat that thumps steadily, reliably, never wavering in any state of consciousness. Haru sighs when slow, warm puffs of hair ruffle the hair on the top of his head. He naively thinks they can lay like this forever._

_“I love you,” murmurs Haru into Rin’s skin, pressing gentle kisses wherever he can reach._

 

* * *

 

Haru bolts up in bed, frantically glancing around him at the memory-tangled sheets and the smooth, unrumpled coolness of the other side of the bed. As like nearly all nights over the years, save this last one, he’s alone in bed and alone his residence. Alone in life.

He peeks at the clock, which shines a mocking 1:14am in bright, vibrant red. He scowls and snaps his head to the side, grabbing blindly for the glass of water on the bedside table. It’s room temperature because he hadn’t bothered to put ice in before filling it, a habit he’s accustomed to but never performs for himself. Haru isn’t sure if he would prefer to fill his own cup with ice before bed or go back to his days of drinking tepid water like most people. 

Haru doesn’t want to be most people - he wants to be Rin’s person.

 

* * *

 

_Rin grabs for his mitten-clad hand while they walk through the park near Haru's apartment, watching the moonlight filter through the bare trees along the path, highlighting their breath as it clouds in front of their faces. Rin folds their joined hands into his pocket and sidles closer to Haru._

_“I forget how cold Japan gets around Christmas time. I’m too used to Australia.” Rin shivers and sniffs his pink nose with a laugh. “Last year was nice.”_

_Haru snorts in agreement. “It was much warmer.”_

_“And it was your first Christmas out of the country! I loved having you visit for the holidays. It was pretty nice to not be the one traveling for once.” Rin laughs, deep and musical, like the bells that rang in the church by his homestay parents' neighborhood. “I don’t really mind either way though. I just like spending Christmas with you.”_

_Haru hums as he nods, tucking himself impossibly closer to Rin’s radiating warmth. “I like it too, Rin.”_

 

* * *

 

Haru sits up, rubbing his skin in a futile attempt to relieve the burning ache in his chest. He recalls never being able to sleep the nights before an exciting day, like his birthday, when he was much younger, except that was always for a pleasant, childlike reason, instead of this melancholy that wraps itself around him like fog, clouding his heart and weighing him down. He shakes his head, growling out an ugly noise and slamming his free hand down on his thigh, welcoming the pain in another location of his body.

Haru twists and flops down on his stomach, wide awake, mind circling around and around. He groans, long and low into his pillow. He wishes Rin could hear it, sense his distress and come running. Although, as the silence stretches on and he remains alone in the bedroom, Haru is reminded that Rin might not come back for anything.

Haru is uncertain if Rin will come back at all.

 

* * *

 

_Rin tugs Haru faster, urging his feet to keep up with his relentless pace as they climb the hill. Wind off the sea whistles past them, but there is a contentment, an ease, thrumming through Haru’s blood as they make this journey together. It’s not his first time to the top of this hill, to the stone monument that stands proudly at the top, yet it seems more significant somehow, this time._

_They stop, and Rin drops his hand, but only after giving it a tight squeeze. He is sure the gesture is more for his own comfort than for Haru’s. He watches as Rin removes his gloves and places his palms flat on the frigid stone, unbothered by the temperature. Strands of wild hair fly around his head like a fiery halo as he tips his head down, pale forehead reverently placed atop his hands._

_“Dad, I wanted to wish you a happy Christmas. It’s been a few years since I’ve come back home for the holidays and, well, this year I brought Haru to visit you too. We’ve been together for awhile now and I know you know that already but...I just wanted to bring him. It feels right. I love you and I miss you.” Eyes shining, Rin lifts his head and turns to Haru._

_Haru wastes no time in placing a hand over Rin’s on the monument. “Merry Christmas, Matsuoka-san.”_

_“Just call him ‘Dad’, Haru.”_

_“Rin.”_

_“He’d love it. I’ll love it. Please, Haru?”_

_“Okay, Rin. Merry Christmas...Dad.” Haru thinks it’ll be awkward, yet it’s as if a puzzle piece slots into place within him, his heart pulsing with a slightly new rhythm._

_Rivers of tears glisten like jewels in the moonlight as they run down Rin’s cheeks, changing course when they reach lips which are stretched brightly into a smile._

 

* * *

 

Haru senses wetness on his own face as he lies awake in bed, sleep viciously eluding him as the memories flit across his consciousness. He needs them to leave, and allow him to rest quietly so he can face his first solitary Christmas in however many years it has been. His parents are absent, like they always are, but this year Rin is absent too. He is in Japan, not particularly far away given the physical distance that has been between them in the past, but it might as well be across the world. 

Haru can’t stop the scene of Rin walking out their door, slamming it behind him in a flurry, from souring every bittersweet memory that has been assailing him all night. The pots and pans on the stovetop had rattled with the force of Rin’s departure, Haru shaking the same way. 

He clenches his fists where they rest on the comforter, a thick fluffy down blanket that Haru yearns to burrow into, not emerging until spring, when maybe his heart will have thawed like the frozen ground. He longs for years past, sparkling festivities wrapped in strong arms and a devoted heart; he longs for a future that has slithered through his grasp, a poisonous snake sinking its venom into Haru’s words that he thought were benign. 

He yearns for nothing more than to take them back.

 

* * *

 

_“Welcome home, Rin.” Haru turns from the stove where he’s been preparing a simple Christmas Eve dinner, his partner out shopping for last-minute ingredients. He sees a flushed face and a heaving chest still buried under a coat and hat, and he wonders if Rin ran to his apartment._

_Rin pants, his face glowing and eyes gleaming - he's trembling from head to toe. “Haru. I'm home, Haru.” His voice is pitched deeper than normal, Haru's name falling off his lips like a prayer as he clings onto composure with everything he's got. He steps into the kitchen, twitching and hovering in front of Haru, shifting nervously from foot to foot._

_Haru lays a hand on his puffy sleeve. “Rin, are you alright?”_

_Droplets of melted snow sprinkle off his head as he nods. “I’m beyond alright, I’m...Haru, I’m incredible. I...I think…”_

_“You’re worrying me a little,” remarks Haru, head tilted to the side, staring at Rin more than a little curiously. “But I believe you if you say that you’re fine.”_

_A laugh bubbles out of Rin, gaining in volume and mirth the longer he carries on. Soon, Rin is positively quaking as he bends at the waist, hands on his thighs, face pink with exertion. Just as Haru stoops to help him back up, Rin drops to a knee and chokes on his voice. He tips his head up to gaze into Haru’s eyes while fumbling with something in his pocket._

_“Haru.” Rin holds a small black box flat on his palm, flipping the top open like he’s practiced the move hundreds of times in a determined bid to execute it flawlessly. “Haru, you’re the most amazing and beautiful person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and sometimes I don’t believe you’re with a fool like me. But. I love you and I want to be your fool forever. Please Haru. Please marry me.”_

_Haru can’t feel his face, he can’t even feel the fingers Rin has woven together with his own. His pulse speeds up, sweat beads along his hairline, his throat tightens - it’s fear. Everything is going so well and Rin has only been back in Japan permanently for about a year. This step seems premature and reckless, not to mention meaningless, since Haru recalls Rin at one point lamenting the state of Japanese progress as a modern society._

_Haru wants to say yes, he longs for nothing more than to be with Rin forever. They have expressed vague dreams and romantic visions of a future together, either over exhausted long-distance phone calls or rushed conversations during precious stolen moments in person; the latest conversation about exchanging vows having occurred as they were tangled together under the covers during the lucid hours that exist somewhere between sleeping and waking. This is what they both crave, and maybe it’s a little soon, but they can simply make it a long engagement, after all Haru is certain they are both committed to forever officially or unofficially, but when he opens his mouth-_

_“No, Rin. This isn’t...it’s not…we’re not…”_

_Haru notices the exact second Rin shuts down, and it’s right after the word ‘no’ fills the entirety of the room. It must be all he hears because he rises to his feet even while other words spill uncontrollably out of Haru’s mouth. He gapes as the enthusiastic, resilient man who is larger than life shrinks before his stunned eyes. Silently, Rin spins on his heel and stumbles out of Haru’s kitchen._

_Haru manages to grab hold of his sleeve before he’s too far. “Rin, wait! Let me finish, I’m not...Rin!”_

_Said man reaches the front door and wrenches his arm free, turning once with a sneer that is all wrong on his pretty face - it’s twisted and ugly and Haru hates that he put it there. “No! You can’t turn me down and then try and explain. I can’t hear it right now, Haru! Just let me go.”_

_Haru lets him go and regrets it the moment the hinges clatter in the doorframe._

 

* * *

 

Not for the first time, Haru wishes Rin would slow down, listen, and not assume the worst of himself, filtering all words through his veil of self-doubt and uncertainty. If Haru could soothe away his mental demons with firm hugs and tender kisses, he would. He’s tried multiple times, and still Rin thinks he’s not quite enough. 

Haru peers at the clock, brain buzzing, body wired, well aware it’s still the middle of the night. 4:57am. Less than twelve hours after Rin proposed, he couldn’t clearly express his thoughts, and Rin had walked away convinced he’d alienated Haru with an honest question. 

“This is ridiculous,” mutters Haru determinedly, as he swings his legs out of bed, another memory pummeling him and begging for attention. On their first official date, over a cliche dinner before a movie, they had bounced from topic to topic, discussing anything and everything that popped into their minds, both heady with infatuation, giddy with excitement. 

 

_“Haru, I worry that I'm not enough. Even if I know it's not true, I can't always get my head and my heart to listen.” Rin chuckles, brushing it off like it’s nothing, like it’s unimportant. “It’s fine though.”_

_Haru scowls at the flippant attitude. “No. It’s not fine. I’ll never let you walk away thinking you aren’t good enough. Rin, you’re enough.”_

_Rin grins with genuine glee. “You make it sound easy. But Haru, are you promising to talk clearly and often? Really use your words instead of leaving me to interpret your silences and facial expressions?” He slaps his hands over his heart. “I’m swooning, Haru, can you see?”_

 

Haru’s heart pounds for a very different reason as he throws on sweatpants and a hoodie, rushing to the front door to shove his feet in the first shoes he can find. Grabbing one of Rin’s wool beanies and the spare key, he sprints out the door, not even bothering to lock it behind him. 

Seven blocks to Rin’s apartment. When Rin signed the lease, they had joked that in a city the size of Tokyo they are practically living together by being in such close proximity. It’s not even worth waiting for a train despite the winter weather. It’s snowing and Haru can see his breath but he hardly notices, too focused on his destination, a route he can traverse blindfolded if he ever needs to. 

Eyes wide open, Haru runs. 

Skidding to a stop in front of the building’s entryway, Haru punches in the six-digit code, waits an eternity for the click, hauls open the door, and rushes to the stairwell, having zero patience for the elevator. Taking the steps three at a time, he’s gasping for breath by the fifth floor. He fumbles with the heavy door and practically falls into the hallway, orienting himself before jogging down to apartment 512. He fishes in his pocket for the key that Rin had given him with a kiss and a shy look, babbling about it being a momentous occasion. Haru’s gut clenches as he slides the key in the lock, turning it and pushing the door open, stepping tentatively across the threshold. 

 

_“Haru, when we get married someday, I want to carry you into whatever home we’re living in. It’s tradition!”_

_“Rin, please. Maybe I’ll be the one who carries you.”_

_“As long as one of us carries the other, then I’ll be happy.”_

_“I’ll always carry you, Rin.”_

_“H-Haru. You can’t just say stuff like that.”_

_“Don’t cry, Rin.”_

 

Haru swallows past the lump in his throat and slips his shoes off. He walks softly towards the bedroom, when the unlikely sound of water sloshing catches his attention. He stops at the bathroom, though the light is off, and eases open the door. It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust, but then they do, he spies Rin soaking in the bathtub and staring up in bewilderment at him.

“Haru, what are you doing?”

Haru sinks to his knees next to the bathtub, dragging his fingers through the water. “Rin! This water is freezing.” He grabs one of Rin’s hands, scrutinizing his fingers, which are shaking and wrinkled. 

“I just wanted…”

“Rin.” Haru runs his thumb along Rin’s knuckles, just once, before standing back up and yanking the bath sheet from the towel bar. He strides down to the bedroom, where he locates pajamas and slippers, before heading back to Rin. He encourages Rin to stand up, wrapping him in the towel and patting him dry, before guiding him into his pajamas. He gives the towel a few extra passes through damp locks, then covers the bathtub and leads an unusually pliant Rin out towards the couch, tucking a fuzzy blanket snugly around him. 

Once they are both seated and facing each other, which Haru views as a good sign, he gazes into Rin’s red-rimmed eyes, highlighted by dark, inky smudges underneath. “Rin. I wasn’t being clear before and I had more to say.”

Rin stiffens, the line of his shoulders bunching tight and angling away from Haru. Guarded, he nods and shrugs slightly. “Okay.”

“No,” counters Haru, fervently, desperation swelling inside him. “Nothing about this is okay! I was surprised, I wasn’t...Rin. There isn’t any rush for this, we’re young and no matter how much we-”

“Please don’t make me hear you reject me again!”

“Rin no-”

“I’m starting to hate that word, Haru.”

“You’ve never liked it, but Rin, you’re not-”

“Tch. Did you seriously come all the way over here at the crack of dawn to explain yourself?”

“Yes,” roars Haru, voice far too loud for the early hour, the thin walls, the solemn air that surrounds them. His fists are clenched so tightly he feels his fingernails digging sharply into his palms. “Stop interrupting me and let me tell you that I want to marry you too, idiot!”

Shock is the expression which stands out amongst the varied display on Rin’s animated face, eyebrows crawling up his forehead and mouth hanging open. Haru instinctively taps a finger underneath his chin, encouraging him to close it. Rin captures his wrist in the act, blindly, eyes too busy scanning his face. “Wait, what?”

Haru sighs, but it’s light and more than a little relieved - this is hopefully becoming a blip in their history that they will tease each other about someday. “Yes, Rin. Yes, I want to marry you.” He holds his next words because, although his concerns and ideas need to be discussed, nothing requires immediate attention, not when Rin stripped down and bared himself so genuinely. Haru had fumbled the reception, but is determined to tip everything rightside up, which feels simple when they both strive for the same future, one in which they are undeniably together. A relationship, a marriage, forged through rivalry, molded by friendship, and fueled with love and respect and honesty. 

“Haru, I…” Rin tips his head back down, except Haru still has a free hand to lift it back up. Rin grasps that wrist firmly too, now both arms caught in large and strong hands that feel warm again, thumbs smoothing slow circles on Haru’s pulse points, a tender moment belied by the playful smirk dancing across his mouth. “Now what?”

Undeterred by the shackles, Haru scoots closer, leaning forward, so close Rin probably feels the whispered words before he hears them. “Now we kiss, husband.”

Rin gasps at the last word as Haru surges forward and presses his lips urgently on Rin’s - there is no misinterpreting this. Haru may fail at basic communication, but he can pour his heart effortlessly into showing Rin exactly how much he desires a shared future with him, regardless of the timeline, details, or other minutiae that had stunted Haru’s words at Rin’s question and left chaos in their wake. All these thoughts mute to a dull background noise as hands map out his back, settling on his hips while they insistently tug his body forward. 

Haru nestles into Rin’s lap and combs his fingers through the tangled strands of hair lying against Rin’s neck, while his other hand cups an overheated, blushing cheek. “Yes. Rin. Yes.” He breathes the words into Rin’s mouth, lays them along his jaw, trails them down his neck, affirming his answer as many times as Rin deserves to hear it. 

They fit together smoothly, perfectly - Haru’s empty spaces filled with Rin, Rin’s sharp edges rounded by Haru. 

“I’m sorry,” mumbles Rin into Haru’s chest. “I should have listened, I shouldn’t have pushed.”

Haru hushes him with another kiss, shaking his head. “Don’t apologize for saying what you feel, what you think. Rin, I like hearing it.” He leans back, Rin’s face still cradled in his palm. “You force me to face things, think about what’s coming next, and what I want. That’s good for me, _you’re_ good for me.”

“We’re good for each other, Haru.” Rin swoops in for another kiss, catching Haru’s lips and quieting all conversation, lingering words escaping his mind the longer they remain connected together.

 

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all trusted me enough to read through to the end. <3 
> 
> Also, someone asked me about the heavy Christmas focus in this - I hc Rin spent long enough in Australia to fall in love with western traditions, especially something as inherently romantic as Christmas. So not only does RH Week feel festive to me this year, but celebrating Christmas seems like something Rin would be fairly excited to share with his loved ones.


End file.
